My psychologist is trying to convince me that I am not getting worse, that how bad I feel is actually progress. That I am now able to feel many strong feelings that I have not been able to feel before and these are difficult to manage and accept. Subsequently, despite feeling worse that this is a progression.
Yeah well I feel angry all the time, if not I'm lethargic and/or sleeping. I find my senses are dampened. I welcome heat that would have, in the past made me want to drop what i'm holding. The cold floor in the bathroom in the morning I no longer notice.
I am angry at family that knows what I am going through and doesn't notice or care to help with the demolishen derby in my head and help me survive and help my son survive. I am angry at the family that doesn't know and that wouldn't help anyway.
I am angry at every obligation I have. Given the advice: take time for yourself, worry about your own recovery not your son's for now. Yeah except I'm the one who has to deal with the school and the psychiatrists and everyone else's accusations when after I've 'taken time for myself' X is a mess and crying and throwing more chairs than usual.
I am the one who takes him to the birthday parties. Who notices and works on all of his issues (and has been since he was 2). I am the one who gets the millions of do you love me? I am the one who gets the "I am afraid of losing grandma or you or someone else I love". Who then has to take him to see grandma even though I don't have the energy or inclination to...
I am angry at holidays. I don't want to go I don't want to be around people who don't know and people who don't care. But if I don't go I am the one ruining the holiday not everyone else who can't or won't care.
I need help. I need active, understanding. I need things that I have yet to understand
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