What it's like...

On the spur of the moment I came up with this analogy to explain, in general, all women's fear, but more specifically mine in the midst of a FB discussion. I am going to try and be brave and repost it here cause i kinda liked it. 

 What is the fear I experience? An analogy:

  If a dog bites you as a child every day for years you might then be deathly afraid of dogs as you get older. this effects you for sure. that fear is real it's not helpful but it exists regardless.... Now imagine dogs are your co-workers, your neighbors, your family members, your drs, etc.... now get up in the morning, make a living, etc.

Also keep in mind the stat 1in3 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes....

Sexual predators

I was commenting on a link on FB today that kinda went off on my own semi-tangent and wanted to re-post here. I was responding to someone saying she doesn't fight against molesters because they get enough fight already.

The original article if you are interested is here:
http://wwav-no.org/groups-to-challenge-disparate-punishment

Although i do agree there is a lot of anger around sexual abusers i don't think that anger results in actual incarceration or punishment to those who should be punished. Most molesters are those who know the child and know the family. Subsequently there are lots of emotional and social reasons why they don't get punished or even noticed. There is also (i believe) a distaste even from a legal/political point of view to invade the home (ironic isn't it).
That's not to say that all those people who've been screwed over by holier than tho politicians are deserving of that injustice.
As to being seen as being "pro-abusers" i think the fear of letting real abusers through the net if they loosen the rope would be negated if they realized those real abusers are not getting caught anyway; they are your kid's step-father, uncle, father, teacher, family friend., etc. Want to stop it? Empower your children. Make it easy for your children to talk to you about anything, especially the small stuff so they can then come to you for the big stuff. Notice the signs. Ask questions. Know where your children are. Listen when they don't want to spend time with so and so....

Goals for the week

1. do my taxes for 2009 (yes that wasn't a typo)
2. present the infant developmental fyi session at work without babbling like an idiot
3. remain positive
4. go to the dukes of drag show on friday even if no one wants to go with me.
5. be active / exercise (a positive way to put this pent up emotional energy i usually put into emotional spending and eating.

To feel or not to feel that is the question

I have come to notice, from people's reactions to my stating how "I have been feeling more as of late so i guess i am doing better" that this might be a strange thing to say. I, in the interest, of continuing to progress, which is helped by being open and honest, have decided to try my best to not internalize this as being that I am strange or that I shouldn't be honest in this way or that this barometer is not accurate in showing that I am indeed doing better (Of course I might be totally wrong in assessing this has been people's reaction). All these things are true. It might also be true that not feeling is strange as well. That's ok. I guess it is strange not to feel. I mean that's why we are alive right? But to me it has been very strange to feel in the last few months. And most of the time it's been scary, terrifying, anxiety provoking, exhausting and painful.

• Scary: Woah! If it's this bad now, and i have say another 50-60 years of this how can I deal?? Every new feeling brings new what ifs. Yikes what will i feel tomorrow? Of course the bad feelings come first. for me.
• Terrifying: Panic attacks!
• Anxiety provoking: Every (non-threatening, non-sexual) touch from my partner now brings anxiety. What is all the fuss about feeling? So far it sucks!
• Painful: Now that i feel more my back aches, I am dizzy, short of breath, more headaches and my teeth hurt. All the tension and anxiety manifest now within my body. 

more to come in terms of why these feelings are produced, how they manifest and what I am trying to do about them. Also should speak to how and why I wasn't feeling sufficiently in the past.

I survived the season!

So here we are in a new year. Hello 2011, nice to meet you! So Eric goes back to work Monday morning after a week off, so a week together most of the time after the crazy of Christmas which included 4 xmas dinners and a holiday party. This could break the most stable of relationships/people but i think we did ok. Not great but i'll take ok. I was forced to slow down (after the crazy part ended monday morning) which was good and bad. Good cause that is one of my goals in group; to slow down, feel more, be more comfortable being present in my own life. Bad cause well I am not there yet.
I have yet to say hey look at that really cool girl Melissa in there i want to hang with her! Nope! That hasn't happened yet. But that's ok I am just getting to know her and it takes time to develop new relationships. I've heard she can be quite moody at times and has difficulty with interpersonal relationships. I should be careful! I hear though she is working on things. She is in this new group therapy (dialectical, behavioral therapy) designed to help her work on very specific life skills. She appears to be working hard at that. I've noticed she spends a lot of time observing her feelings, actions and the world and people around her. She still gets upset quickly but she'll notice it more often then not now and will calm down quicker. She is noticing her triggers and will anticipate them occasionally. She has been very brave, as she has become more present in her life she has begun to feel more things that are not much fun. This would make me want to hide but she keeps going. Sure she has her sad, hide under the covers, days but overall she is spending more time with people who matter to her. I just hope I can be one of them soon.

my creation / family dinner

Here is my side dish I made tonight of organic veggies stir fried in lemon-lime/maple sauce. I am very proud and it looked just so pretty! :)

And the rest of the plate is what Eric made for dinner. Yummy! Also avocado for Xander (not pictured) cause he doesn't like zucchini and cooked tomatoes.

30 day blog challenge - day 3

Day 3 – Your First Love - delayed - hard one

My first love is the person I am now with. A part of my journey has been figuring out how I experience love (a difficult task for someone who doesn't feel very deserving of any) but how that manifests it certainly manifests with Eric.

We met in highschool. 1995. We broke up a million times each year but we were always in each other's lives. A very unhealthy co-dependency. We moved in together a month after Xander was born. We separated in 2006. We moved back in together in 2009. We are working hard on ourselves and our relationship. I'm sure more on that will be discussed in the weeks, months to come.