I subsequently have quoted it substantially with some thoughts... (the stuff in quotes is quoted and the stuff in ... is my stuff)
"Being a good friend to someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) is not always easy."
... And I am well aware... that's why it's so hard to call people... after who wants to hang out with someone that you don't know if they are going to be quiet and sullen, or silly and ridiculous, or angry and obstinate....
"There may be times when your friend feels totally hopeless or out of control, and when those times come you may feel helpless. Here are some general principles you can follow to be a good friend to someone with BPD:
Validate Your Borderline Friend’s Experiences
The most important thing you can do to help a friend with BPD is to take some time to just listen and validate his feelings."
... Validating doesn't necc. mean agreeing with btw, it's just that my emotions have some validity... not that they are necc appropriate but that it is how i am feeling at the moment...
"You may not necessarily agree with his evaluation of a situation, or feel that the intensity of their feelings is justified by the situation (strong emotional reactions are part of the disorder). However, you can still let him know that you understand how he's feeling and how difficult that must be"
... Also I may not necc., immediately calm down either. But in the long run validation will help me feel more secure in my emotions and hopefully will reduce their intensity...
"Receiving validation from another person can provide tremendous relief to someone with BPD. Many people with BPD grew up in emotionally invalidating environments, and expect that no one cares how they feel."
... as much as some people who will be reading this might believe (and yes it has gotten much better...) this is the case...
Educate Yourself About Borderline Personality Disorder
"If you have a friend with BPD, it is critically important to educate yourself about the disorder. Friendships with people with BPD can be rocky, and you need to know what to expect."
... I know it is very hard and I appreciate it (even though I don't understand why one would bother)...
"Sometimes, people with BPD engage in behaviors that can seem manipulative, mean-spirited, or destructive. It is important to understand the disorder so that you can recognize these behaviors for what they are: symptoms of your friend’s inner suffering. Understanding that these behaviors are not intended to harm you may help you build more empathy for your friend."
... and how much I hate myself for it when I have come out of the fog. Which btw is happening more often, that I at least see it eventually, which is an improvement. And btw I hate even more than anybody that it is a long and difficult process to figure all this out....
Do Not Ignore Threats of Harm
"Suicidal threats and gestures are quite common in people with BPD. Some people with BPD will make multiple suicidal threats, which leads their family and friends to become desensitized to this kind of behavior.
However, even if your friend has made suicidal threats in the past without actually attempting suicide, people with BPD are at very high risk of attempting and completing suicide. In fact, about 10% of people with BPD actually complete suicide. For this reason, even if you don’t think he will actually do it, never ignore a threat of suicide."
Take Care of Yourself
"Sometimes in friendships with people who have BPD, the relationship can become unbalanced, and you may find yourself giving more than you receive. If this happens occasionally, it is usually fine. This is how relationships work; they can’t always be an even 50-50 split. But, if this is happening all the time, it will create a strain in the relationship.
Research has shown that friends and family that care for people with BPD have high rates of hostility, anxiety, depression, and distrust. If you give too much, you may start to feel resentful, or burned out. After a while, you may get to the point that you need to end the relationship for your own health.
In the long term, it is probably more helpful for a person with BPD to have a consistent, reliable friend than to have a friend who is 100% there for him for a few months and then disappears forever. For this reason, it is important for you to take care of yourself, take breaks from your friend when needed, and create good boundaries so that you can get your needs fulfilled.
All of this is easier said than done. It requires assertive communication skills and sufficient self-awareness to understand when it is time to pull back a bit. However, it is possible to have a long-term friendship with someone with BPD if you work at it."
...I have to work to remind myself to stay present in the moment. It can be very exhausting. Sometimes this makes me not notice if there is something i should have said or done to be a good friend. I though, have gotten better with this since getting more and more present. I also know i can be extra needy at times. This is hard on anyone! So I am sure that 50-50 doesn't exist much. :( That being said, as long as I am not in utter crisis I need to be needed. I like it. I also need to learn how to create limits for myself so even if I don't feel able it's nice to be asked and I need to learn to say I can't. Just being an ear to listen to you is wonderful....
Anyway I am sure there is more to say... but kinda proud i got something out on here finally
your friend,
melissa
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