Anxiety: Who knew I had anxiety?? ok maybe everyone else did but I didn't. we're always the last to know. Fight or flight.... danger around every corner...
Never really dealt with my abuse memories. pushed them down. ignored them. pretended nothing was wrong. A deeply honed skill from childhood. I can handle anything. I can but that does not mean I can be damaged and need help and have issues from things that were very shitty. But still hard to admit and deal with.
Becoming a mother before i had dealt with a lot of these issues was a recipe for failure. Post-partum depression i think really was an obvious, societally sanctioned period in which to express my depression that was always there. Becoming a mother also corresponded to leaving granny and granddads. A place i had seen as a protection from the evils out in the world ready to hurt me. This anxiety then was taken out on Eric....
I remember being quite angry at the suggestion i give my baby blanket to xander when he was born. But THAT'S MINE! This blanket was all i felt as I floated among the clouds as I excaped into myself from the abuse. How dare this child come around and take away that feeling of security.
Keeping windows covered, not being able to look out (memories of disocciating then associated with clouds / looking out the window) also protection no one can see me. When I moved out on my own I chose beaconsfield the one city on thw west island my mom never lived.
Accepting my anger with my mother, reconciling its ok.
Believing i'm continuing to deal with it all rather than not having dealt with it yet.
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